Josie Shepard: Aftermath Chp 4

Chapter 4

Shepard sat in the sand, staring out at the ocean. Light glittered on the shifting waves, and the water seemed to go on forever and a day. One of her legs had fully healed, but the other was still healing and was still wrapped in its glowing blue light-cast. Her crutch lay in the sand beside her as she leaned back on her hands to regard the sunset.

The sun was setting upon the sun, a watery mirror reflecting beneath in a pool of orange and pink. The breeze was cool and gentle and lifted to push back Shepard’s hair. She sat in her black N7 jacket, the sleeves of which were rolled up. Her black N7 pants were also rolled up past the knee and her cast-free foot was bare.

After Kaidan’s proposal, she was finding that time away from the crew gave her a peace she couldn’t know when with them. Everyone was walking on egg shells, so careful to keep from mentioning Kaidan (who Garrus now referred to as “the K word”) or the proposal or anything to do with it – everyone except Wrex, who sent Shepard letters from Tuchanka, telling her to “get her ass outta fraidly land” and “seal the deal.”

Kaidan himself maintained a respectful distance, pretending as if her rejection hadn’t hurt him. But Shepard overheard Ken and Gabby gossiping about the fact that Kaidan now spent every shore leave drunk in the Afterlife on Omega . . . something that was sadly ironic given his comments to General Oraka.

Shepard took an unhappy breath and dug her bare toes in the sand. She smiled when she noticed Thane’s green toes out of the corner of her eye. He was wearing no shoes and was clad in a white blouse and khaki shorts that fell to the knee. It suddenly occurred to Shepard that Thane was wearing the clothes he’d worn when he and Kolyat visited a desert. It made her smile to know that he had chosen to visit one on Earth, as if to be near her.

Thane sat in the sand beside Shepard and leaned back on his hands, a shimmering ghost, nearly transparent and glowing like the setting sun. They didn’t look at each other. They sat in happy silence for a while. Shepard placed her hand over Thane’s and saw the blush on his green lips stretch when he smiled.

“Help me to understand why you pushed Kaidan away,” Thane said after a while. “You never pushed me away.”

“You were already dying,” Shepard admitted. “I thought that at least if you died, it wouldn’t be my fault. . .  and then the coup happened.”

Thane frowned, his black eyes absorbing the light as they looked out at the water. “No, siha,” he said gently. “Nothing was your fault. I died gladly, knowing that I protected you. Kaidan would have done the same.”

Shepard blinked out a tear. “That’s the point.”

Thane frowned to see the tear glistening on her cheek. He gently wiped it away with the back of his fingers and she tilted her head to accept his touch.

“Oh, siha,” he whispered and put his arm around her.

Shepard dropped her head on his shoulder. “My father died protecting me on Mindoir, Thane,” she said softly. “The batarians shot him in the face as I ran and hid. I ran because he told me to. But after that day, I vowed never to run again.” Her face hardened.

“And never to let anyone die for you again?” Thane guessed.

“Yes,” Shepard admitted.

“Then you might as well keep others from loving you, because that’s what love is. Love is protection, love is devotion, love is fierce and unrelenting. You embody that, my warrior angel. You are love and protection, fiery and strong. But . . .” Thane pinched her chin and looked into her eyes. “You still need someone to protect you every now and then. Some things are beyond even you, my siha.”

Shepard cast her eyes down, and Thane released her chin. She rested her head on his shoulder again. “If I marry Kaidan . . . I won’t see you again, will I?”

“No, siha. You won’t.”

Shepard closed her eyes and frowned sadly against the realization. “I don’t want to let you go.”

“Then don’t. A person can have many loves in one lifetime. I always kept Irikah in my heart. It didn’t stop me from loving you, from wanting you body and soul.” He touched Shepard’s face and they smiled at each other. “You are the love of my life, siha.”

They fell silent, watching as the waves slapped gently at their toes and churned white bubbles over their ankles.

“Don’t be afraid to love him,” Thane said after a while. “Life is already too short to live it in fear.”

“. . . I hate it when you’re right.”

Thane laughed softly but asked seriously, “He took care of you when I was gone?”

“Yes. He knew exactly what I was going through, after all.”

“Ah. Those two years he mourned you.” Thane glanced at Shepard sympathetically and dropped his cheek against her hair. “I spoke to him at the hospital at length. Initially, I was curious about his presence. I saw him brought in by a young man in Alliance issue and I wondered if the human military’s presence meant you were in dock. I thought perhaps you had escaped Earth with him and inquired as much. He told me that he was injured fighting at your side and that he was hoping you would come to see him. He spoke of you so wistfully, I was surprised to realize he was in love with you, and it forced me into a memory lapse.”

“Oh god.”

“I recounted our first kiss . . . and how I trembled the first time I held your naked body to mine. Kaidan was understandably as horrified as I and that ended the conversation.”

“I can only imagine. Kaidan mentioned you when I spoke to him. You went through so much trouble to hide your identity, but you told Kaidan you were an assassin?”

“An assassin in your employ, as it were,” Thane confirmed. “I was hoping you had mentioned me . . .” He laughed sadly. “It seems neither of us knew about the other.”

“I’m sorry, Thane. I didn’t speak to Kaidan much before he was hurt and I didn’t tell you about Kaidan because there was no reason to. I considered the relationship over. Obviously . . . he didn’t.”

“Don’t apologize to me, siha. I understand. I only wish for your happiness. Pushing Kaidan away in order to protect him won’t make you happy.”

“I’m not supposed to be happy,” Shepard said with a flat laugh. “I’m a soldier. I’m supposed to sacrifice my personal happiness to keep others safe. And if that means keeping Kaidan alive by pushing him away . . .”

“Certainly you weren’t always this afraid? You let him get close enough a few times before.”

“And both times I thought I was going to die,” Shepard said, thinking of the night before Ilos when she and Kaidan first made love . . . and the night before they flew to Earth, when she thought she would be holding him for the last time. She had been so certain of her own death both times. And she’d been right on one account, at least.

“Kaidan is strong. I thought he would move on, find someone else,” Shepard continued, closing her eyes as Thane stroked the hair back from her face. “That’s why I didn’t contact him when I was resurrected -- not that I could have anyway. But he’s stubborn. He keeps coming back and saying he loves me.” She frowned unhappily.  

“I’d say that’s all the more reason to love him,” Thane said with a smile.

Shepard sighed. “You’re saying I should marry Kaidan.”

“I’m saying you should do what makes you happy. What makes both of you happy. I did not die protecting your life so you could live it unhappily, siha.”

Shepard smoothed her hand over Thane’s and pecked him on the cheek. “I will never forget you, Thane. You know that, don’t you?”

Thane smiled. “And I will never forget you.” He looked at her with soft eyes. “I can’t.”

They kissed. Tenderly. Softly. Then their lips peeled apart, and Thane looked at her with love warm in his eyes as he touched her face, her chin, her lips, as if to capture her face in perfect memory and keep the image. Always.

“You’re going to wake soon,” Thane whispered. “Linger in dreams a bit longer. Kiss me again. I have sorely missed the taste of you.”

Their lips touched a second time, and with sudden fervor, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her passionately. She yielded, her head falling back as his kisses trailed hungrily down her throat to her collarbone. But his kisses abruptly stopped, and with sudden aggression, he pulled her close and simply held her tight. His arms trembled as if they loathed to let her go, and she loathed the moment when he would let go.

Shepard pulled back breathlessly and looked into his eyes. Their foreheads touched and their lips brushed when she spoke, “I love you, Thane. I’m sorry I never told you.”

“Don’t be sorry, Shepard. I always knew.” He smiled and touched her lip with his thumb. “Now wake. And live well.”