Everybody Hates Ashley chp 28Chapter 28Everybody Hates Ashley chp 28 by A-D-Aether
“A pill to make you numb,
A pill to make you dumb,
A pill to make you
But all the drugs in this world
Won’t save her from herself.”
-- Marilyn Manson, Coma White
I remember when I was about sixteen years old, my sister got married. I thought I was hideous in my bridesmaid gown. My body was covered in acne from head to toe (now it’s just covered in acne scars from head to toe) and my back was hunched in the open back of the gown and my neck was short. I looked at myself in the mirror and I wanted to cry, but instead I just sneered and looked away. I couldn’t bear to look at myself. My cousin – one of the really nice ones on my father's side – asked me what was wrong and if I didn’t like how I looked. I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk about it.
Fourteen years later, I still feel exactly the same about myself. I still feel like an ugly hunchbacked girl, so it’s still baffling when
Everybody Hates Ashley chp 27Chapter 27Everybody Hates Ashley chp 27 by A-D-Aether
“I’m a winter flower underground
Always thirsty for summer rain.”
-- Pink, I’m Not Dead
Tonight I realized why I’ve been “sick” the past four years, why my heart always felt like it was failing, why I would have terrible stomach aches, fatigue, panic attacks, body aches, and depression . . . my heart was literally broken.
I was loved starved. I was dying from neglect, from not being loved, from being hated and ostracized by everyone everywhere I went.
You’ve seen my life story. Trying to get help for my mental illness has always meant having no one take my problems seriously because “beautiful” people can not be mentally ill or unhappy. Being hated by other women meant having no friends. Meanwhile, my appearance always (apparently) intimidated men out of talking to me. Being raped, being molested, being publicly objectified by men on a daily basis . . . all of it will take its toll on a person’s
Everybody Hates Ashley chp 26Chapter 26Everybody Hates Ashley chp 26 by A-D-Aether
“This will all fall down,
Like everything in the world.
This too must end.
And all the words we said
We can't take back.”
-- Matchbox Twenty, The Last Beautiful Girl
My dog ate my shoe, which forced me to leave my house and seek out another.
While I was at the store, I bought a few sun dresses that were on sale. The woman at the cash register was rude to me. She didn’t say anything rude, but when I looked in her eyes, she coldly looked away and refused to look at me. Why? Because she was insecure about her appearance, and just like all insecure women, she felt the need to punish me for it.
When I got home I felt sad enough to cry. It’s the story of my life: insecure women hate women they perceive as pretty. It’s very draining. And depressing. And I realized today that’s the reason why I’ve always been alone. Emotionally. Physically. Alone.
I can honestly say I never knew I was really pretty (too many insecurities
Everybody Hates Ashley chp 25Chapter 25Everybody Hates Ashley chp 25 by A-D-Aether
“I can’t help falling in love with you.”
-- Elvis Presley, Can’t Help Falling in Love
The more I continue with my new beau, the more I’m forced to realize how poorly David treated me for the entirety of our five-year relationship.
My “new beau” needs a pseudonym, so we we’ll call him . . . Brian. Yeah. That’ll do.
Brian and I were walking somewhere, and I was carrying something, and he offered to carry it. It was something so light and so easy to carry, but he wanted to carry it for me. It seems silly, but it just felt so sweet. Because I remember when David and I were teenagers, he was walking me home and I had a heavy backpack. I remember he glanced with disdain at my backpack and aggressively demanded to know if I thought he should carry it, because he had no intention to. I never intended to ask him to carry my backpack and didn’t expect him to, so his aggression was entirely unnecessary . . . yeah
"If sarcasm is the last arrow in the quiver, then name calling is when you throw your quiver. . ." srayesmanll/loverslab.com, on desperation.
"Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle, " Plato, on cruelty.
"Love is a battle, love is a war, love is a growing up," James Baldwin, on love.
"Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all," Vincent van Gogh, on life.
"Men are always willing to believe two things about a woman: one, that she is weak, and two, that she finds him attractive," Morrigan, on men.
"Well for the first couple of days I just stood in the driveway. But after a while that stopped being fulfilling," Earl Sinclair on work.
"Loo loo loo, I've got some apples. Loo loo loo, you've got some too," Butters . . . on . . . something.
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation." Melville, creativity.
"ALL poor people in countries all over the WORLD are of "inferior intelligence" because they have no access to proper education and brain nourishing nutritional foods. You should not be asking why black people are "intellectually inferior." You should be asking what kind of society you live in that would lead you to attribute everything to RACE and not SOCIAL STATUS." Me, on racism and ignorance.